Hate
by ManganimeManiac65
Summary: "Sometimes I wish I could simply enjoy life and not hate everything." We all know Romano is always in a bad mood, but for what reason? Is he even suffering from it? Oneshot and it's my first time at Spamano. Rated T for self harm.


Hate 8.1 Spamano

**Author's Note:** This Spamano story was done as a request from Anna Whitlinger.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia.

~XxXxX~

I hate myself.

I hate myself for what I say, what I do, even how I feel. I simply hate everything.

I'm completely different from Spain. He's always happy, always with that goofy smile on his tan face.

Sometimes, I wish I could simply enjoy life and not hate everything. But I can't help hating everything, it just seems like everything hates me. So I hate it back. It's a reasonable mutual feeling of hate, right?

Right…?

~XxXxX~

Today, just like any other day, I woke up and immediately hated the day. For what reason I hate it for, though, is always different.

Today, I woke up, and it was raining. It was raining on the day I planned to go to the park just to try and enjoy one dang day of my miserable life. But no, it just HAD to rain today.

I quietly swore under my breath and got dressed. As I walked over to the door, I accidentally kicked it. Pain shot up my foot and to my leg. I automatically bent over to clutch my sore toe, but I lost my balance, fell backwards and hit my head. This was not a very good day, indeed. Life really seemed to express how much it hated me today all at once.

I cautiously walked down the hallway afraid I might trip and/or fall. When I finally got to the kitchen, I saw a plate of pasta sitting there along with a note. It said this:

Dear fratello,

I made pasta for you while you slept, I hope you eat it. Also, if you get hungry later, there are tomatoes in the fridge. Oh, and if you're wondering where I am, I went to Germany's house, by the way~! I'll be home by dinner time~.

Veneciano

Just great, just what I needed. Veneciano went to that stupid potato-lover's place again. It's like he's becoming attached to that scary, muscly guy. I hate it!

I heard thunder rumble outside in a loud, low grumble and I jumped in surprise. Crap, it was going to be a freaking thunderstorm! What more could I freaking ask for?!

There was knocking at the door. Who the heck is stupid enough to go walking around in the rain? I opened the door and, almost immediately, a huge gust of wind blew inside taking the pounding rain with it, but I kept the door open to see who was there. I saw a goofy grin on a tan face. "Spain!"

He was standing there, arms wrapped around him, shivering and completely drenched, but smiling as if nothing was wrong. "H-Hola, Romano!" he stuttered through his chattering teeth. I pulled him inside and slammed the door to prevent any more rain from coming in, but Spain was dripping wet.

I looked at him with a very angry expression, but he simply smiled back. "Spain, what the heck were you doing out in that thunderstorm?!" I asked in a very annoyed tone.

"W-Well, I went out for a walk, j-just for the fun of it, but t-then it suddenly started p-pouring and I had no other place t-to go except here b-because your house was the c-closest," he explained. I could literally see his teeth chattering as he spoke. I sighed and told him to wait there while I went to get him a towel.

When I came back, I threw it at him, but it ended up hitting his face before it landed in his hands. "T-Thanks," he said and began drying himself. But he looked back at me again, a shy expression on his face.

"What?" I asked in an agitated tone, but actually trying to hide how embarrassed I was from him just staring at me.

"W-Well, if I stay in these clothes, I might get pneumonia, so is it alright if I—"

I cut him off by exclaiming, "No! I-I mean, wait, okay?! I'll get you new clothes…"

"I can wear your clothes?" Spain asked innocently.

But I felt heat suddenly rush to my face as I said, "Yeah, whatever!" I quickly walked to my room, wanting to get out of Spain's sight as fast as I could, and get him clothes to wear. As I closed the door behind me, I reached up and touched my face. It was incredibly hot. How I hated that when I thought of Spain… How I hate how I'm imagining him naked right now…!

To take my mind off of that, I went to search for something Spain's size. He is a taller than I am which I just hate, so he must wear a size bigger than I do. After a little searching, I miraculously found something decent and handed Spain the clothes. When I placed it in his hands, though, I felt them shaking so violently, they were also very cold and I heard his teeth chattering even louder. For a moment, I was afraid there was something wrong with Spain by now, but I looked up at his face and saw him still smiling, so I sighed in relief but immediately hated myself for worrying about that idiot. Yet, I still worried and instructed him to go take a shower.

He left and I was standing alone in my living room for a minute, thinking about all of my reactions to all of the events of the day. _All negative,_ I thought sadly. _Like usual, I just can't be optimistic…_ I then noticed I was tense. I slowly relaxed my muscles, breathing in and out at a slow pace as I calmed down. But the breathing began to hurry again and I found myself crying. _I hate myself, _I thought angrily. _I hate myself for being a wimp, I hate myself for being stupid, and I hate myself for hiding all of my feelings!_

I kept hearing the word "hate" over and over in my head. _I __**hate**__ this and I __**hate**__ that… __**hate**__, __**hate**__, __**HATE**__._ I never even realized that I had balled my hands into fists and were clenching them to the point blood was drawn from my hand. Tears were uncontrollably falling and my breathing terribly restricted and uneven. I released my fingers, but they slowly traveled upwards, toward my neck. I couldn't control myself. I hated myself too much. _I __**hate**__ myself… I __**hate**__ myself…_

My bloodstained fingers clawed at my neck before grasping it, depriving me from air, making my breathing even more uneven. My knees gave out and I fell to the floor…

~XxXxX~

I came out of the shower, in warmer clothes, feeling fresh and warm again. "Hey Romano, thanks for…" I started saying, but I heard raspy breathing coming from the living room area. As I slowly made my way there, I saw Romano lying on the floor, choking himself. This confused me. But I saw blood coming from his neck and he seemed to be suffering, so I jumped into action as I felt adrenaline pump through my veins.

"Romano? Romano, are you okay? Romano!" I yelled. Thunder crashed outside as Romano started coughing and gasping.

"S-Spain…!" he said. "G-Go away, g-go a-away!" he started to shout. I tried to pry his hands away, but he was holding on strong, so strong, it scared me.

"Romano, I'm not leaving until you stop this!" I asserted. I looked at him straight in the eye with nothing but seriousness. He weakened his grasp for only a second and that was enough for me to pull both of his hands away. He gasped for air, tears flowing nonstop.

I let him calm down for a while and let him catch his breath. "Romano, what happened?" I asked. I was very worried.

He looked at me. He looked very tired… and very scared. Then he said, "I hate myself…"

"So this was suicide?" I inquired. I can't believe that he was actually doing that.

"N-No… the hate did it itself… I thought I was going to die," he mumbled.

"What in the world do you mean by that? What were you thinking?!" I shouted at him. I was angry that he would try to kill himself. There were too many emotions to describe how I felt that very moment. I never felt this way in such a long time…

"No, Spain! I… I was thinking, I hate myself, I hate how I'm a wimp, I hate how I'm stupid, I hate how I don't tell people how I truly feel and it was nothing but hate! I just couldn't stand it anymore! But, the thing that made me hate myself the most was that… I couldn't simply enjoy life and that I had to hate everything," he said sadly. I have never seen Romano this way.

He looked up at me, eyes glistening with tears, and said, "Spain, I always wished I could be happy like you… Whenever I see you, you're smiling and you always seem to look at the positive side… I want to see the positive side like you. I want to see it with you…" The last few words were nothing more than a whisper.

I knew now probably wasn't a good time, but I smiled at him. I whispered to him, "A good way to start is by smiling."

"Smiling? Why?" he asked.

But I ignored the question and continued to urge him to smile. "Come on, smile for me, Romano."

I saw him hesitate, but he slowly smiled. It wasn't quite there yet, wasn't quite a true smile. "Spain… why am I smiling?" he asked, his smile faltering.

I didn't want that smile to go away, it was good. "Keep smiling, find a reason within you to smile," I said. He leaned against me and thought for a long time. Then, finally he smiled. I have never seen him smile simply from joy before. It was so beautiful, delicate and sweet at the same time.

"Is this good?" he asked.

"Perfect. Now tell me, what's your reason to smile?" I asked him, stroking his hair.

"I'm with you, Spain. That's why I can smile. You are my happiness," he had simply said. "I love you with all of my heart. I have finally realized that, thanks to you." He sat up slowly, blushed a bit, still with that adorable smile, and kissed me.

It was an innocent first kiss, but it was still amazing. I found Romano to be an excellent kisser. I could feel the smile on his face as we kissed, which made me happy. When we pulled back for air, I whispered into his ear, "I love you, too, with all of my heart."

We cuddled as we listened to the storm outside.

~XxXxX~

I finally found happiness within the darkness and it has made my life is crystal clear. I now understand happiness, and I can enjoy life and all of its glory with Spain. I'm happier now, and I'm happy the most when I'm in my Happy Place which is, of course, when I'm with my Spain. Finding the happiness is hard, but once you grasp it, it will light up your world.

~The End~

Author's Note: OH MY GOSH this turned out to be really scary… and it didn't even make any logical sense! What's wrong with me? I'm making nothing but really depressing fanfics! I mean, seriously, there is my story Gone, then there is the USUK story and my other GerIta one, they are all really depressing… At least there's always a happy ending. *nervous laugh* Anyway, hope you liked, especially Anna Whitlinger! :D


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